So I...

I’m re-reading the last book I wrote. Strange, really. To read vivid details of a journey I went on 11 years ago, unsure of what comes next in the story.

What’s been illuminating—riding along from London to Mongolia again—is how often we had to make quick decisions when things went awry. We didn’t have time to complain because a border had to be crossed, a visa was going to expire, or we needed to find food and a place to sleep. 

We were our own agents of change, constantly. 

The necessity of switching from the shock of a setback to finding a quick solution is a far cry from the pace of my day-to-day life. I rarely claim to be a victim, but I do notice how I can marinate in the broth, and talk about the unfairness, of a perceived transgression a little longer than I should.

And this is from the guy who yammers on a lot about “owning your verbs.”

It got me thinking about the difference between commiserating and complaining, when having an audience. 

You commiserate with someone to process an injustice. You complain to someone to justify inaction.

Good support should be a reminder that you are ok, that you are loved, and that it’s time to move on.

I remember back in 2007 I lost my job when the firm I was working for folded during the dawn of the financial crisis. They never paid me the $10,000 in wages that they owed. I kicked rocks for a while, bitching and complaining to all who would listen. My father empathized and commiserated with me until he said, “Are you done now?”

Hopefully you too have people in your corner who can nudge you in that direction, but I’ve introduced a little mantra into my self-talk to help me get to the place of action quickly, on my own: 

“So I…”

It forces my brain to think about solutions.

So I acted. That’s the inflection point—not what happened to you, but what happened in you.

So I will…take the class. Make the call. Admit the truth. Set the boundary. Start again. Say sorry. Say nothing. Let go. Hold on. Walk away. Take the leap.

Sure, “So I…punched him in the face,” is an action (and maybe the right action in a very certain circumstance), but it’s not about being reactionary, I’m saying that at some point processing becomes over-kneading of the mental dough.

Another statement I use often when a thought is on repeat is, “Is this useful?” Most of the time the answer is no, which clears the way for “So I…”

Hey, whatever gets us moving forward out of corners of self-induced victimhood, right?

What’s your next move?