I Read Way Too Much Into Children's Songs (And Regret Nothing)

When you’re trying to raise your toddler with as little screen time as possible, you rely a lot on music for entertainment. Popular songs. Kids songs. Made up songs. Whatever. 

Some days we’ll go so deep down my son’s playlist on Spotify that I’ll lose my grip on reality and refer to Casper Baby Pants’ rendition of “Baa Baa Black Sheep” as “an all-time banger.” (It is though. Listen to it.) 

At first listen all children’s songs have a similar formula: upbeat, repetitive, and sticky. Like bubblegum. Like icky sticky sti— ok ok. I’ll stop. IYKYK.

But underneath those audible rainbows lurks madness. 

Even if you don’t have kids you surely remember a few disturbing children's tunes or stories from your youth.

Ring around the rosie. Was it about the Bubonic Plague? Maybe. The fact that it’s even up for discussion means we should maybe retire this one.

Rock-a-bye baby. Where the baby and cradle fall out of a tree? Yeah, awesome.

Peter Rabbit isn't even a song, but have you read that story? The one where his dad gets killed and made into pie? A real Stephen King pick-me-up.

And the more you listen, the more insanity you hear. And as a new parent you’re listening to these things a lot, while tired. It does things to a brain. 

You be the judge though. Here’s three. Let’s start with one everyone knows.

Three Blind Mice

Well, you don’t actually know this song. Sing it.

Three blind mice. Three blind mice. 

See how they run. See how they run.

That’s it. That’s all you know. There’s a reason for it, because the rest of the song is a horror movie. Here it is:

They all ran after the farmer's wife,

Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,

Did you ever see such a thing in your life,

As three blind mice?

What?

The last two lines are chilling. Any normal person would ask, “Did you ever see such a thing in your life as a woman cutting the tails off of three blind mice?” But this songwriter? Nope. After digesting this entire scene, the sadist thinks, “Man. Aren’t blind mice wild?” as if they were three flies that wandered into an electric light and got zapped.

Supposedly it's about Queen Mary I executing three Protestant bishops (which somehow makes this a children's song).

Oh, you’d like some more animal mutilation tunes to sing to your kids? You’ll love this next one.

Baby Bumblebee

Check out this beaut.

I’m bringing home a baby bumblebee,

Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,

I’m bringing home a baby bumblebee,

Ouch! He stung me!

I’m squishing up a baby bumblebee,

Won’t my mommy be so proud of me,

I’m squishing up a baby bumblebee,

Eww! He’s gooey!

I’m lickin’ up a baby bumble bee

Won’t my Mommy be so proud of me

I’m lickin’ up my baby bumble bee

Mmm! He’s yummy!

My lord. There’s feral, and then there’s whatever this kid is. 

But clearly the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree since the child genuinely believes licking up the innards of the bee she just murdered was something to be rewarded.

This next one is emotional. It's the Old Yeller of children's songs. Until you are a parent you won’t understand the sadness of this song. (Well, until you are a parent you won’t ever hear this song.) And of course, it too involves animals.

5 Little Ducks

Five little ducks went out one day.

Over the hill and far away.

Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack.”

But only four little ducks came back.

This repeats.

4 little ducks go out, 3 come back. All the way to:

One little duck went out one day.

Over the hill and far away.

Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack.”

But none of the five little ducks came back.

Sad mother duck went out one day.

Over the hill and far away.

Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack.”

And all of the five little ducks came back.

Five little ducks went out one day.

Over the hill and far away.

Mother duck said, “Quack, quack, quack, quack.”

And all of the five little ducks came back!

Ok. There’s a lot to unpack here.

That poor mother duck. All five of her degenerate ducklings thought it would be funny to play a we-might-actually-be-dead prank on her. I know it’s high jinx because:

1. Exactly one never made it back each time. 

2. At the end, they all came back together at the same time. 

That’s no accident. That’s collusion.

Imagine those sickos who come back home to a grieving mother knowing not only that their siblings are ok, but that they are going to continue the torture the next couple days by having one more of them stay out each time.

Haha, mom! Isn’t that funny?

Think about the quack quack quacks they would have with their mother at night, lying through their bills, while she was in stitches. 

That’s some sociopathic shit.

And mama duck, we need to talk. Sure, your kids are little hellions, but don’t you think that once you lost two of them you would put things on absolute lock down? No, of course not. Three, then two, then your last offspring—your last chance at a genetic lineage—goes over the same hill where your entire progeny has disappeared, and you quack quack quack for it, and…nothing.

Yes, she was naive but God, she must have been broken.

And don’t tell me I’m overreacting.

It even says it in the song, “Sad little duck went out one day,” which means

1. She wasn’t taking this lightly and

2. We are now in the post-grief chapter of the story. "Went out one day" is what you say after you've accepted that your children are gone. This could've been weeks later.

But out of desperation, some pang in her heart that hasn’t healed decides to quack quack quack again. And miraculously, all five selfish pricks come back over the hill. Probably because they couldn’t fend for themselves anymore and they needed mom to fix everything.

Mama must have cracked a mean whip because she let’s them all out the next time and when she quacks, these mofos come scurrying back over the hill immediately. 

The things kids put their parents through.

The next time someone tells you children's songs are "sweet," ask them to explain the tail amputations, the serial bee murderer, or the ducklings who psychologically waterboarded their own mother.

I'll wait.